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hotwhiteguy:

i hope you fall in love with someone who makes you question why you ever thought you would be better off alone


jxhn-mulaney:

some of y’all have never gone to make a happy birthday card, and thought “i don’t need to trace it. i know how big letters should be,” and begun with a big-ass H, followed by a big-ass A and… oh, no! oh, god! ok, all right. real skinny P with a high hump, and then we’ll put the second P below the hump of that first P, sort of like a motorcycle sidecar situation. and now you have no room for the Y, so you do a kind of curled-up noodle Y. block letters and cursive look good together. and then you go to write “Birthday” and you totally forget the lesson you just learned with “Happy.” you’re like, “yeah, but the past is the past. big-ass B. surely more letters will fit in the same space,” and it really shows.


shock:

love being trusted with “you cant tell anyone this” conversations and nodding a lot and forgetting everything they told me like god intended and going down as a trustworthy individual while doing literally zero work of ill or good


postmarxed:

Did not realize until today that Cyntoia Brown had already been in prison for 15 years I thought this whole thing was recent and they had tried this 16 year old girl as an adult and sent her to prison last year or some shit she’s fucking 30 now she’s been imprisoned half her life I’m glad she’s getting out in August but I had no idea how much she had already lost


bettedavisgf:

it’s all about reverting to your embarrassing hobbies from 2009 when you realize you were actually right the whole time


hatefuhk:

when people ask where you see yourself in 10 years

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pissvortex:

infomercial man: call now and we’ll DOUBLE our offer

6 year old me who has never seen an infomercial before:

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0013001:

me for 3 years straight: “sorry i haven’t been myself lately”


detroitbecomememe:

Hank: You remember the plan if I ever get shot, right?

Connor: Of course.

Hank: Tell me.

Connor: In the case of you ever being shot, as you fall to the ground, I am to sing, MMMM WHATCHA SAY no matter the circumstances.

Hank: Good.


little-superstitions:

spoken-like-a-true-sadboi:

Walmart employees at midnight

any retail job, period.


averagefairy:

i very RARELY get moments of clarity in my life where the answers just seem to smack me in the face. but they SURE are nice when they happen 


beyoncescock:
“remember when we all thought swine flu will end the world?
”

beyoncescock:

remember when we all thought swine flu will end the world?


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